The Debaters

00:00 If you're listening to this, I already know you have great taste in podcasts. But maybe, if you're like me, you still wonder if you're missing out on the best stuff. That's where the Sounds Good newsletter can help you out. Every other Thursday, the audiophiles at CBC Podcasts highlight one must-hear show and lots of other new and noteworthy titles. They do conversation starters, they do hidden gems, and they also tell you about the stuff they love that they didn't make. Go to cbc.ca slash soundsgood to subscribe. 00:31 This is a CBC Podcast. 00:39 Hey Canada, are you ready for a night on the town? From Charlottetown, B.I., it's The Debaters! The Debaters, where comedians fight with facts and funny, and this audience picks the winner. Now here's a man who's no comedy charlatan. 01:04 Hey! 01:05 Thanks, Graham! 01:06 Hello, Canada! Welcome back to The Debaters! 01:10 We are here in fabulous Charlottetown, Prince Edward Island, and this crowd is ready for it! 01:17 It's been too long, PEI. 01:20 PEI, of course, is the home of the Canadian Potato Museum. 01:25 The largest exhibit of potato artifacts in the world! 01:30 Suck on that, Idaho! 01:34 You can view a hundred different kinds of potatoes, then go to the gift shop to buy a hundred different kinds of potato keychains. 01:43 But please, no spudding in line. 01:47 Sorry. I'm sorry. We should have hash browned that one out a little. 01:52 Time to meet two debaters who have chips on their shoulders. 01:59 This comic pitched a reality show tracking down the sweatiest criminals called America's Moist Wanted. 02:07 It's Vancouver's Charlie Demers! Charlie! 02:13 There he is. He looks well-rested and ready. 02:18 And this comic would never join Marvel superhero Wolverine in a grass hut because she's claustrophobic. 02:27 It's PEI's own Heidi Brander! 02:31 Heidi! 02:35 Hi, Heidi. Welcome back. 02:37 Thank you. 02:39 Your topic is one that we think will stand the test of time. High school friends. 02:45 Are they the best friends ever? 02:48 No one here thinks so. 02:51 But let's go through the debate and see if we can change some minds tonight. 02:57 My best friend from high school is still my best friend. 03:01 Shouldn't my wife Nancy be my best friend by now? I've been married 15 years. 03:06 Well, no. 03:10 Because there are things you can say to your best friend that you cannot say to your spouse. Like, hey, let's try to tip that cow. 03:19 Or, you're getting a little flabby, time to hit the gym, honey. Both phrases that my wife Nancy has said to me recently. 03:29 It's time for a debate that we think will be the very bestie. So, whereas they're long-lasting friendships that originate at a time of great personal growth and development, be it resolved that high school friends are the best friends you'll ever have. Charlie, you're arguing for this, buddy. You have two minutes. Starting now, Charlie Demers! Thank you. 03:53 Thank you, Steve. Thank you. 03:55 This past spring break, my family and I vacationed in British Columbia's Kootenai Mountains with old friends of mine from high school, Will and Janelle. That's right, I'm not just boycotting all US travel, I'm boycotting all personal growth. 04:13 Will and Janelle both went to my high school, and in fact, they got together at our grad party while I was literally standing right there. 04:23 I'm serious, if I had been more attractive at 17, they might have never ended up together. 04:32 Honestly, the trip was the best. They had their boys, I had my family, we had all the good things that had happened to us over the past few decades, but otherwise, we were in 1998. Who wouldn't take that deal? 04:49 Have you heard this week's news? 04:51 The worst thing you were going to hear on the radio in 1998 was Jump, Jive, and Wail by the Brian Setzer Orchestra. 05:01 If you think the swing revival was obnoxious, you haven't been paying attention to what's been happening with measles and fascism. 05:19 Who do you think's better than high school friends? Work friends? Oh yeah, the grown men and women whose happiest moment of the day is the schadenfreude they get when you start talking in a meeting while you're still on mute. 05:35 And whose only moral barrier to stealing your very sustenance from the fridge is a pathetic strip of beige masking tape with your name pathetically scrawled across it. 05:49 No, high school friends know the real you. They met you before you learned how to hide your idiosyncrasies, hide your foibles, hide what makes you you. They knew you right around the time you learned how to hide your bedsheets. 06:07 Thank you. 06:10 Charlie, Charlie DeMass, everybody. 06:15 Charlie says high school friends are your best friends ever. Now, here to tell us why all of her high school friendships have sailed, as far as she's concerned, let's hear from Heidi Brander! 06:30 If we were supposed to like the same people now that we liked in high school, then I would still have a crush on Ricky Martin. 06:39 You expect me to stay friends with the people who allowed me to walk the halls of Colonel Gray High School in a fedora during my ska music phase? 06:51 Those so-called friends stood by and watched as I published a Geocities page full of Sailor Moon slash NSYNC fan fiction in which the cartoon princesses from Sailor Moon hooked up with the human members of NSYNC. 07:09 I put this on the internet and they did nothing. 07:21 My high school friends are actually here tonight. Yeah. Stand up, Shannon and Jen. Stand up. Oh, oh, oh, look. They're not standing up for me. Just like they didn't stand up for me after I butchered Christina Aguilera's Genie in a Bottle at our high school talent show. 07:39 There, there. 07:41 As adults, we meet our friends at fancy dinner parties and soirees. In high school, I met my friend Jen because we were both wearing the same cows t-shirt. 07:53 It was Star Wars themed and it said cow wars, even though steer wars was right there. Do better cows. 08:04 But I digress. 08:06 High school friendships serve their purpose, and then you grow apart. I have nothing in common with my friends anymore. Shannon's now a brilliant doctor, Jen has a business degree, and I do joke debates on a radio show that's used to fill the silence in nursing homes. Nothing in common. 08:31 High school friendships are like Leonardo DiCaprio's girlfriends. They should be dumped the minute they turn 18. Go befriend your chat GPT robot like an adult. Thank you. 08:43 Heidi Brander coming out swinging. That's really interesting with the friends in the crowd, right to their face. 08:55 It's time now for the Bare Knuckle Round. We're debating whether high school friends are the best friends, so show some class. 09:04 If your jokes clique with this audience, you'll be glad you left some homeroom for laughter. 09:14 We can cut detention with a knife in here. 09:20 So it's time to yearbook it and see who's most likely to succeed starting now. 09:27 Okay. 09:32 Charlie, if your only friends are from high school, then you're missing out on the friendships with people outside your age group. So Charlie, is it true? Do you hate old people? Remember, you're on CBC Radio right now. Yeah. 09:44 Yeah. 09:45 Do you hate old people? Says the woman who just called us Muzak for nursing home. 09:53 First of all, who says the only friends you make in high school are people your own age? Somebody never had lunch with the custodian. 10:00 Um... 10:07 You have this idea that we meet all our friends in adult life in this kind of fantasy world of, you know, sparkling dinner parties and, you know, we don't all live in a Noel Coward play. I mean, most of the adults I meet are at, you know, waiting in line... At the hospital when you're having a seizure? 10:29 All right, that's the bare-knuckle round every time. 10:34 Radio listening audience, I wish you could see Charlie speak. 10:40 All right, debaters, it's time now for the firing line. In my hand, I have a list of questions on high school friends, brought to you by PEI's friendliest potato, Bud the Spud. 11:01 Yeah, that one, that's the song. That is great. I didn't even have to say anything. 11:08 The rest of the country wishes they could be so totally tubular. 11:14 We haven't got in Vancouver, but it's Spud the Bud. 11:18 That's his nephew. 11:25 The Canadian Association of Public Schools says one of the best ways to make friends in high school is to say yes to what? 11:33 Heidi. Doing hot knives and drinking Mike's Hard Lemonade. 11:36 Yes. 11:41 Oh, that's one of the biggest reactions we've gotten all night. 11:44 Oh, yeah, we have that here, that's for sure. 11:47 Charlie DeMaas. No, say yes to a robust public sector. I mean, you tell me how you're going to make friends at a public school without... And you're saying your only friend was the janitor? 12:06 No. 12:11 One of the best ways to make friends in high school is to say yes to activities. 12:19 A 2025 study published in the Science Direct finds that high school friendships are more likely to continue if the two friends what? 12:28 Charlie? 12:28 Don't have social media. 12:32 Strong. 12:34 Kill them. 12:40 They are still getting social media here. 12:45 Heidi Brander. They're more likely to continue if the two friends are in a sisterhood of traveling pants. 12:51 That's a good one. That's a good one. We have those here. Yeah. No, still a little too modern a reference. 13:00 Science Direct finds that high school friendships are more likely to continue if the two friends had a history of friendship before high school. Oh. 13:11 We also would have accepted if both were in high school for at least seven years each. 13:17 In Elle Magazine's article, Celebrities You Had No Idea Went to School Together, Jay-Z says he actually had a high school lunchroom rap battle with whom? Heidi. Zac Efron in High School Musical 2. 13:31 It was epic. Okay. Wow, I'm really stuck in the year 2000, Anna, and I... 13:39 Charlie Demarest. I don't know, but I do just want to congratulate you for getting the word whom into the hip-hop question. That's fair. Shout out to those nursing homes. 13:51 That's fair. That's fair. I will take that. Thank you. The answer is... Also, it's JZ. 14:07 Jay Zedd had a high school lunchroom rap battle with Busta Rhymes. And if you could find a question that will alienate more CBC listeners than that, I don't know if you can. That's the firing line, everybody. 14:26 It is almost a magical time when our magical theater audience here at the Confederation Center in PEI places their votes. But first, here to tell us why her old high school friends all get a failing grade. Let's hear again from Heidi Brander. 14:47 Unlike my opponent, I didn't peak in high school. 14:53 I want to bury the past, but high school friends always dig it up. Why must mine constantly remind me that I tried to nickname myself H-Bomb and that I lost my virginity to Cotton-Eyed Joe? 15:08 To be clear, I mean the song, not the guy, okay? 15:14 But for most of us, high school was vicious. Can you believe my friends actually laughed at me when I got my period in white shorts right before my big presentation for Mr. Patterson? Sure, this wasn't high school. It was tonight and it was Steve Patterson, but still, rude. 15:34 In conclusion, you can vote for me or vote for this grown man who just told you he loves hanging out with teenagers. Thank you. 15:43 Heidi Brander. Yeah. 15:46 Strong points. 15:49 Thanks, Heidi. Now, here with another school of thought about having habitually high-fived his high school friends, let's hear again from Charlie DeMess. Thank you. 16:02 Listen, obviously a lot has changed since high school. Like back in grade 12, I was more of a portly class clown type character. 16:19 Whose only claim to fame was my success on the debate team. 16:28 Sorry, I just got a little lightheaded. 16:33 Is anybody else feeling like a crushing existential dread? 16:41 Listen, none of this means that I don't value the friendships that I've made in my adult life. I've known Steve Patterson here for two decades now. I don't mind telling you that I love the man, because they'll probably edit it out of the final broadcast. 17:02 But listen, I've never changed for PE class in front of Steve Patterson. 17:10 Okay, that's something that's just for my buddies from high school. 17:15 And for my OnlyFans subscribers. 17:22 So maybe Steve. 17:26 Thank you. 17:27 Charlie DeMass, everybody. 17:31 Whoo! This is a good point. 17:34 Good points on either side. Good for the audience for getting the OnlyFans reference. I think that was great. We all did well there. All right. 17:41 Except here, it's called only ands. 17:43 Whoo! 17:49 You might have just won the debate with that. 17:56 All right. Audience, it is up to you to vote. By applause, who thought that when it came to hollering hooray to his high school friends, Charlie was a total class act? Charlie DeMess. 18:10 A lot of love for Charlie. All right. 18:13 And who agrees with Heidi that when it comes to high school friends, it's a big pass? Heidi Brander. 18:21 This was a close one. Hard fought on either side, but I got to give this one to the hometown girl who's got to see all these people. She just criticized Heidi Brander. High school friends are not your best friends. Big hand for Heidi Brander and Charlie Demarest, everybody. 18:41 Hey, Debaters listeners, we've got more laughs and logic coming your way. And now we're changing locations from Charlottetown PEI and heading over to Steve Patterson at the Imperial Theatre in St. John, New Brunswick. 18:55 All your favorite CBC Podcasts are now available on YouTube. The best in award-winning true crime investigations, hilarious comedies, vibrant pop culture conversations, and even more audio series are all available on CBC Podcasts' YouTube channel. You'll also find exclusive video first episodes, YouTube shorts, and behind-the-scenes content from our hosts and producers that you can't find anywhere else. So if YouTube is your go-to source for podcasts, just search CBC Podcasts and hit subscribe, and you'll never miss the latest update. 19:24 We are here in magnificent St. John, New Brunswick, everybody. St. John, listen to that crowd, Canada. 19:33 Home of the popular street festival, the Moonlight Bazaar. It features vendors, music, buskers, and a giant moon hung above Granon Street. 19:44 I assume the people who take part are called Lunartics. 19:51 Hopefully, though, when you head home from the Moonlight Bazaar after a few cocktails, you'll take one small step for man and then one giant leap into a cab. Now, here are two debaters that we're over the moon to introduce. This comic thinks the price of gloves is getting out of hand. It's Newfoundland's Lisa Baker! Lisa Baker, the one and only, striding confidently across the stage to the podium to my right. 20:20 Hi, Steve. 20:20 Hi, Lisa. Welcome back. Yeah. 20:24 And this comic went on an all-bean diet until his family got wind of it. 20:31 It's Brassard Quebec's Derek Seguin! 20:37 Derek Seguin! 20:40 Hey, Steve. Hey, buddy. 20:44 Your topic is one that will deserve a yay or a nay bore. 20:49 Neighbors. 20:51 Are nosy neighbors better than noisy neighbors? 20:56 Hmm. 20:57 I'd like to take this opportunity to apologize to my neighbors in Toronto, Ron and Crystal, who share a common wall with our townhome. 21:06 They're not nosy on purpose, but they must hear the constant yelling, crying, and barking from our house, plus whatever sounds my wife, kids, and dog make. 21:21 Now for a debate that we hope will help you love thy neighbor. So, whereas they are less disruptive, can create stronger bonds, and are simply more curious, be it resolved that nosy neighbors are superior to noisy neighbors. Lisa, you're arguing for this, please. You have two minutes. Starting now, Lisa Baker. 21:46 Nosy neighbours get such a bad rep. People are too focused on the fact that they are always inserting themselves into our business, hanging around, hoping to get something juicy to gossip about. You know they're home because their curtains twitch every time you walk outside. 22:01 If there's anything happening, they'll find a reason to be out there. They'll check the mail on a Sunday, sunbathe at night, vacuum the sidewalk. 22:12 A nosy neighbor, for example, would know that Derek Sagan has a shrine built to himself on the lower level of his home. 22:22 It's true, I've seen it. 22:25 Dude, he didn't even win the Juno. 22:29 He's just like, it's just such an honor to be nominate. 22:41 But what many people forget is that a nosy neighbor is basically free security. 22:46 Unlike a noisy neighbor, the nosy neighbor knows everything that's happening. You will never be the victim of a burglary because your neighbor is monitoring the place better than ADT. 22:57 No one will be peeking in your windows because the neighbor's already there, blocking the view. 23:03 Meanwhile, you could be murdered via wood chipper with the noisy neighbors. They won't notice. 23:10 Nosy neighbors save lives. 23:17 And unlike the nosy neighbor who will know the last time you had a regular bowel movement, you could be dead for weeks before the noisy neighbor starts to complain about the smell coming from your place. 23:30 A nosy neighbor will make sure your cat doesn't eat your dead face while the noisy neighbor... 23:40 while the noisy neighbor will just be happy to have a break from you banging a room on the ceiling every time they fire up the house music. Thank you, Steve. 23:48 Yeah! Lisa Baker, on behalf of nosy neighbors being better than noisy neighbors, and it is a tongue twister to say it, and it's going to be difficult, but thankfully we've got our two debaters with the best command of the English language on the case. 24:09 Now... 24:10 Here to break the sound barrier between us and our noisy neighbors, let's hear from Derek Sagan. 24:20 Thank you. Thank you, everybody. Now, Lisa's side of the debate would insinuate that she is for being nosy, but also against being noisy. 24:31 Fake news! 24:35 Forget noisy neighbor. She is a noisy citizen, restaurant patron, air traveler, TikToker. She's a noisy grocery shopper. 24:46 She's an even noisier drinking companion. And a very noisy house guest while she's sitting in my shrine to myself. She's just noisy. 24:58 I suspect Lisa has never had a nosy neighbor, at least they weren't nosy for long, because she will voluntarily tell any curious person anything they never wanted to know. 25:11 I know, I myself pretend not even to see her back at the hotel, for fear she will share some more insane thoughts on how French is ruining Canada, or last night's little diatribe of like, a little bit of racism is okay, bye. 25:38 Besides, a noisy neighbor is just a neighbor who's living their life. Some loud music from time to time lets everybody in the neighborhood know. Even in these dark times, it's okay to let loose and do some mushrooms and have a good time. 25:57 A nosy neighbor just makes you paranoid and feel like you're being watched, especially when you're on mushrooms. 26:09 And even if you're not a noisy neighbor, the nosy neighbor will always have something to complain about. Like, not everyone have the same taste in music as you. 26:18 You ever heard of headphones? 26:21 Or, are you going to trim those trees? They're eyesore when I look out my window in your yard. And I'm like, you ever heard of minding your own business? 26:29 Go back inside, Karen, before I very quietly set your hedges on fire. 26:36 Or something like that. 26:39 Thank you. 26:41 Derek Sagan. 26:47 All right, let's keep going. We got ourselves a debate, and it's time now for the Bare Knuckle Round. We're debating nosy neighbors versus noisy neighbors. So as the person in the metal, let me tell you what's allowed. 27:05 feel free to eavesdrop a bombshell and really get this debate in commotion. 27:11 So put your nosy to the grindstone and you could say, Snoops, I did it again. 27:20 Starting now. 27:26 Listen, nosy neighbor, not good. 27:27 You call it security system. Maybe, maybe I want to murder somebody. Maybe I don't need it. 27:34 People sticking their nose into my business. 27:37 Can I get a translator for him? 27:41 And again, so nosy, you assume, assume that people, when they die, like maybe, maybe my cat won't eat anything but human faces. Maybe I killed myself to let my cat eat my face because that's all he likes. 27:53 You don't save lives, you're going to come and take my face away from my starving cat. 27:57 Yeah. 27:59 Look at his juicy face. Feed the cat. 28:05 What is happening? What's happening? Tell us another story, Grandma. 28:14 Seriously, for Lisa to be anti-noisy, because she might be pro-noisy, but she's anti-noisy, that would be like me coming up here, Steve, and debating, like, no, drinking and smoking are bad. 28:25 So hypocritical, you noisy person. 28:31 You know what? I got to let him have it because this is the only time he gets over my time is here when I have to let him say the things. Right. Because out of here, we'll walk outside and he'll be like, you know, Liz, I love you and I would never say those things outside of the bitter. Because you threaten me. 28:48 You scare me. 28:49 Yeah, I should scare you. 28:52 Okay. All right. That's the bare knuckle round, everybody. 28:55 All right. 28:58 We're debating nosy versus noisy neighbors on the debaters, and it's time now for the firing line. In my hand, I have a list of questions on nosy versus noisy neighbors, brought to you by lackluster horses. 29:15 Lackluster horses. They're the original nay-bores. 29:22 That was strong. That was a great groan. I love it. 29:26 Power. 29:29 According to a poem by Robert Frost, what makes good neighbors? 29:34 Lisa. 29:36 Any couple without youngsters. 29:39 She hates children, really. 29:46 That's a fair answer. Derek, say again. Best neighbors are deaf people. 29:52 And or blind people. 29:57 I don't know how this happened so quickly. Lee already got a call backstage. Our producers already got a call. 30:05 According to Robert Frost, what makes good neighbors? Good fences. It's okay. We also accepted tall trees. 30:14 No, it's because he's just trying to propagate his own business, right? Robert Frost, he wants to sell Frost Fences, so of course he's going to say that, friggin' opportunist. 30:26 Oh my God, you're illiterate. 30:28 I don't know what my diet has to do with this. 30:50 You keep this up, you're going to be the next president. 30:56 Bob, Vila.com's nine suggestions for thwarting a nosy neighbor includes installing a privacy fence, using strategic landscaping, and what else? 31:07 Derek. Motion activated gun turrets. 31:14 I will be president. Hey. 31:23 Bob Vilas, suggestions for thwarting a nosy neighbor include privacy fence using strategic landscaping and putting privacy film on your windows. 31:33 It's like at that point, you're not really in a house anymore. Just take the windows out, go to the basement, Bob. 31:41 In August 2025, Newsweek article describes how one woman dealt effectively with her extremely noisy neighbors upstairs. What did she do? 31:51 Lisa. 31:52 I would just bake them a cake full of ambient. 31:59 I like that idea. There's one applause break over there by a devious baker. 32:03 They're really happy with that idea. 32:07 No, this article describes a woman who dealt effectively with her extremely noisy upstairs neighbor by giving them a gift basket with a kindly written note. 32:17 I'd rather the ambient cake myself. 32:22 That is the firing line, everybody. 32:29 Well, it's almost time for our magical Imperial Theatre audience to vote. But first, here to echo what he said earlier about his need for noise, it's the show's resonant noisemaker, Derek Sagan. 32:46 All right. 32:48 Thank you. Listen, having spent a fair bit of time with the lovely Lisa Baker here, I might understand why she's so tolerant of nosy neighbors. She is, after all, from the friendliest place in the country. But now she live in Alberta. 33:04 One of Lisa's neighbors was probably being nosy and got more than they bargained for. 33:09 Like, oh, hey, Lisa, I noticed you got a package delivered. What was it? And Lisa'd be like, oh, hey, bye. Ah, you know, it's me fiddle flourney pot that me mother send me when I gets the itch down there. 33:23 And now me brother's a drunk, and he got me drove. So long story short, me daughter, she's pregnant. Fill your boots with that, neighbor. 33:30 God love your cotton socks, bye. 33:34 You learn quick that being nosy in this woman's business is not only confusing, but sometimes terrifying. 33:42 Mind your business, nosy, and have some noisy fun. 33:46 That was the conclusion. 33:50 Derek Sagan. 33:55 You can play the accent-making fun game. 33:58 A Newfoundland accent inside a French Canadian. It's like a turducken of an accent is what it is. 34:05 Thank you, Derek. Now, here to convince us that if you quit snooping on your neighbors, well, you're basically cutting off your nosy to spite your face. Let's hear from Lisa Baker. 34:21 Nosy neighbors have stopped crime in its tracks, caught cheating spouses, and prevented teen pregnancies when the parents are away. 34:31 They're our everyday heroes with super hearing and night vision goggles. 34:36 Having been to Derek's home, I can assure you there is a very good reason why Derek would prefer noisy neighbors. Derek's backyard is a college kid's dream. Pool, hot tub, tiki bar with a mini fridge, he is the noisy neighbors. 34:54 When he's not spending his days floating around drinking beer and blaring Celine Dion, He's revving up his motorcycle to ensure the entire neighborhood gets the full benefit of his midlife crisis. 35:20 I'll take the news bag next door over the Frenchman trying to relive his youth. Thank you, Steve. 35:26 Lisa Baker, ladies and gentlemen, with some great points. 35:33 At Derek's expense, this one's gotten personal in a hurry, and it's time for the audience to decide. So, by applause, how many of you want to butt in and let Lisa know you support her pro-nosy neighbor's notion, Lisa Baker? A lot of love. A lot of love. Okay. 35:56 And who preferred Derek arguing for the right to remain not silent? Derek Seguin. 36:07 I don't have to decide, so I'm not going to. It's a tie! Nosy, noisy, who cares? Big hand for Derek Sagan. Lisa Baker, everybody. Well, that's all for this week. I'm Steve Patterson saying remember to love thy neighbor when possible and stand strong against them when not. I'll argue with you again soon, Canada. Good night! 36:30 The Debaters is created by Richard Seid. This week's episode was produced by Nicole Callender, Chloe Edbrook, Dean Jenkinson, and Graham Clark. With continuity by Graham Clark, Diana Francis, and Gary Jones. Technical production by James Perella and Geneviève Boudreau. Story editing by Gary Jones. With special thanks to Katie Ellen Humphries, David Pride, George Sadie, and Emily Ferrier. Executive producer of CBC Radio Comedy is Lee Pitts. And thanks to everyone at the Imperial Theatre in St. John and the Confederation Centre of the Arts Theatre in Charlottetown.